hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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