My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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