Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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