guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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