You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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