Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Randomize
