after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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