this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
