I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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