Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
