I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
