I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
