M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
