I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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