I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
