who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
