shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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