Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
