Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
