I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
my poor anus
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
