no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
