Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
