morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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