just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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