you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
