I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Can vaginas get frostbite?
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
