it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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