so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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