i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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