i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
