The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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