My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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