I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
