so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
