a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
