I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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