I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I want to stick my p in your. b.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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