I got her a Nickelback box set.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
