We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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