Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
