Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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