When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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