It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
