oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
