dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Randomize
