does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
