My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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