We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
