I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
