no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
